Anger is a funny one because it receives a bad reputation and quite often we try to quash feelings of anger down. When we’re angry we don’t quite understand how to process it. And again, anger is linked to fairness, not being able to get pregnant naturally and the struggle to conceive is unfair and you have every right to be angry about it. In terms of processing it and manage it you really need to work through what it is that’s making you angry. Things like journaling can be really helpful if you’re trying to write things down and keep asking yourself why am I feeling this and write the answer and then again, why am I feeling that? Keep trying to get it out of you, it could be in the conversations you’re having with your partner.
Try and talk these things through rather than just pushing the feelings down so that you’re never really processing them. You have every right to feel this but it’s not going to do you any favours as it will just heighten those stress levels. We want to try and get you to feel as neutral as possible, as often as possible so you can try and work through these feelings.
The first thing I want you to know is that anger during infertility is normal. It is okay to feel angry when your cycle is canceled, or it’s okay to feel angry when somebody says something really insensitive to you and really brings you down. These feelings are really normal. First of all, it’s okay to feel like that. I think it’s a good case of looking at the anger in two ways; first of all, at that moment where you’re really experiencing that anger and it’s causing you these angry hormones, stress hormones running through your body, what do you need to do to calm down in those moments? Do you need to go punch a pillow? Do you need to go scribble drawings? Do you need to breathe deep breathing? Do you need to go for a walk? Do you need to go for a drive? What is it that helps you calm down? I think knowing which tool, which strategy you go to when you’re angry to help you calm down is really important. Firstly, becoming aware of what’s really going to support you when you do have those angry feelings.
Secondly, about that more pervasive, general, anger and frustration that you have to go through this. I think it’s really important to if you can switch focus because we can’t change the situation. I wish we could change that for you but we can’t, but we can change how you respond to that and how you think around that. I know that feeling angry isn’t always a good thing, it’s a very natural emotion but it doesn’t always feel good when it’s on that pervasive lower level, so what would you like to think of instead? Because that’s the one area that we do have the power is to change our thoughts, so we can’t change that silly person that gave you that insensitive comment but we can change our response to them.
Maybe it’s around showing compassion, and this can be very difficult especially in some days it’s just not going to work, but my key tool for countering anger is compassion, compassion to that other person that they just don’t understand the depths of despair of infertility and the insensitivities, compassion to someone else who got pregnant naturally. I know it’s hard but just giving compassion to them and leaving your thoughts there with that. It can be very difficult to deal with anger during infertility, but using your tools to calm down and using compassion to try and counter that are some ways that you can help support yourself better with those angry feelings.
