Here I am waiting and it hurts

Carmen Martinez Jover
Fertility Coach , Carmen Martinez Jover
Here I am waiting and it hurts
From this video you will find out:
  • how to deal with anxiety and depression
  • the reassurance that you are not alone
  • how to survive the emotional storm
  • ways to pull yourself out of a spiral of negative thoughts


How to deal with negative emotions while I'm waiting for IVF?

Is your treatment on hold? Do you need support and reassurance during this difficult time? Carmen Martinez Jover, Fertility Coach, and book author provides you with emotional support during this webinar.

- Questions and Answers

Do you have any tips on how to pull yourself out of a spiral of negative thoughts?

I have meditation, as I’ve said I put it for free because I think it’s really important. You go to my website, what I mean, it’s meditation with images that I’ve put, and through the images, of being in the middle of elaborate. When you have these negative thoughts, you’re so depressed, you can’t see anything positive, it’s like being in the dark, and you can’t even be bothered to do anything. It’s like you can’t get out. Once you get stuck again, you are awaiting because your choice wasn’t the correct choice. So when we focus on the problem, it’s like being stuck and going round in circles, so we have to go out of it, so the meditation says you look up, and you see a beautiful starry sky, and somehow you know by instinct that the stars are going to guide you. You focus on the stars and then as you go through the several exercises of blowing up emotions of anger, then you get your way. It’s a very good meditation to listen to, that will help you. Let’s say, you have a negative thought, the first thing is to notice it, so if I say that during the day we have 60 to 70 thousand thoughts and imagine if all of them are negative. 90% are the same as yesterday, well, let me tell you tomorrow you’re going to have the same negative thoughts, so when you stop, and you notice it, say I don’t want to think that. Don’t focus on what you can’t do focus on what you can do. Now I can focus on doing some exercise or repeat a positive phrase or something you like, if you like an actor or you like a singer, you need to focus on those things that you like. Focus on something that you like, that you really can tune into, that you enjoy or a feeling you had when you went to Greece, and you had this amazing holidays in Greece, so when you get the negative thought, think about that wonderful time in Greece. So what you’re doing is you’re changing thought, you’re changing the vibration of that thought, and that is very good as well. I recommend the meditation and if you have a negative thought, just go back to that positive one. There are many ways, and many people could help you, therapists or clinics, fertility coaches who are willing to help you cope with this, but it’s possible.

I have been TTC for the past 5 years. Through the journey, I already understood that the storm will pass. But I still have the challenge to deal with family and friends that are insensitive for the journey. Anything you can advise?

I remember first I would be doing treatment and I’ll tell everybody. I’m having so many injections. The eggs are this size or that size or whatever, I was sharing everything. But when it didn’t turn out positive, that was one no after another, people hurt so much they have no idea where we are and sometimes their intention is good but what they say is the worst thing ever. You feel stabbed, they have no idea where we are, what we’re feeling many people have said that when they shared my book, they understood what it is like to be where we are and sharing the book helped them to understand this. I know it’s so difficult because then you have to go to the family gets together and then they say, oh it’s not that good to have a baby because now we have a baby, we don’t go on a holiday, and you can go on holiday, and you’re like, what a stupid thing to say. If you find out that someone’s pregnant I mean that’s really horrible, so should I call to congratulate but then if I don’t call, they’re going to get upset, but then if I do call, I don’t want to because it hurts but then I’m happy for them, and you get all these crazy emotions, just take a deep breath and accept people the way they are. They’re not where you are, they can’t understand what it is, just accepts them and love them the way they are and don’t let them hurt you. Sometimes one needs a bit of distance or sometimes not to share what you’re doing because they don’t understand and the comments, they hurt. It is a challenge, but during the journey, you learn to put limits and you learn to just accept people the way they are, they’re not going to understand you, but some people do understand you, so go with those people who do understand you, who give you the strength and the motivation to continue on this journey with a positive attitude. I have one painting where there’s a chair, and it’s a path full of stones and holes, and that’s where I was, but when you change everything changes around you. When you change your attitude towards things, everything changes.

I still don’t know how to answer the question of when are you having babies. I don’t wanna share, but sometimes I feel to educate them, so they don’t do the same to someone else. what is better?

They always say that it’s so horrible. You’ve only been married a few months, or you’re with your partner a few months, and they’re asking when you’re going to have babies. It’s like a typical question, and they have no idea what is behind the questions. It’s like normal, couples being together and that’s the first question they ask, they have no idea what you’ve been going through. You can say something like, we’ll start thinking about it, or you can just say something, find a simple reply, you don’t have to give explanations to everybody, especially when it’s difficult, and you don’t want to share if you share there will be more questions, what happened, did you go to the doctor, what are the doctors saying. Just find a polite way and say we’re gonna start considering it. I think we think too much about the things because it hurts us, it doesn’t hurt them. It hurts us, so you don’t need to give explanations to everybody.

How can you deal with people ‘giving advise’? Infertility is personal. Not everything can be solved by what you or your friend did.

That’s an issue, everybody thinks they have the perfect answer. So you know, it’s like a wedding, to not give the example of fertility, I’ll give an example of a wedding. There are going be questions on when is it going to be, why is it outdoors as we did it indoors and it was fabulous, don’t do this outdoors because it is going to rain and so on, everybody who cares for you, is going to give you advice. But you know what, you have to make your own decisions, and sometimes their advice makes you doubt. So if you have a watch and it’s broken, you go to a specialist who will fix this, you will not go and ask your friend, your neighbour and so on to fix this, so when you want advice go to a specialist, someone who knows about that thing. When I give my lectures, there’s a part where I say how many of you put a cushion under your bottom after you’ve just made love, this is all over the world, and they lift their hand, who on earth said if you put a cushion under your bottom, it’ll be more fertile but do you know in the world how many people do it because somebody said it, somebody said if used to a handstand, it’s wonderful to increase fertility. You want advice, go to a specialist of what you want the advice for and as well all these people giving you advice, it’s because they care for you and they want to say, and they think they’re helping you by saying things like that.
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Picture of Carmen Martinez Jover

Carmen Martinez Jover

Carmen Martinez Jover was born in England and raised in Mexico. She has been professionally supporting infertile couples for more than 19 years. She offers online fertility sessions, therapy, and workshops. Carmen is also a writer, artist, international lecturer and Fertility Coach - PSYCH-K facilitator. Together with her sister, she has written stories for children that help parents explain modern ways of conception such as egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation, surrogacy, adoption, single motherhood, and two dads or moms.
Event Moderator
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Caroline Kulczycka

Caroline Kulczycka is managing MyIVFAnswers.com and has been hosting IVFWEBINARS dedicated to patients struggling with infertility since 2020. She's highly motivated and believes that educating patients so that they can make informed decisions is essential in their IVF journey. In the past, she has been working as an International Patient Coordinator, where she was helping and directing patients on their right path. She also worked in the tourism industry, and dealt with international customers on a daily basis, including working abroad. In her free time, you’ll find her travelling, biking, learning new things, or spending time outdoors.
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