In this session, Monica Bivas, IVF & Fertility Coach, Author of the Book “The IVF Planner”, has talked about coping mechanisms when you’re dealing with delays in your fertility treatment.
Monica Bivas began the session by introducing herself. She is originally from Colombia but has lived in the States, in New York state for the last 18 years since she married her husband. Together they have two beautiful IVF girls, one is 15 years old, and the other one is eight. She is also a stepmom of a 20-year-old girl. Her husband is from Israel, she defined them as a mixed family.
She helps couples and women all over the world to achieve their mindsets. Guide them through this overwhelming process of an ivf cycle, as well as encouraging, for example, couples and women that have unexplained infertility to, before jumping into a treatment, to try to conceive naturally.
I am like that ship in between the clinic and our emotions and help you navigate that process.
We have both IVF and IUI, and also these kinds of ART technologies that thanks to doctors, research and science have brought to us for many years ago. When we are walking through a cycle, we should wonder what our fertility issue is first. It could be unexplained, or it could be something that finally was discovered and it’s physical. Once we know about fertility issues, can we consider ART IVF or IUI as our only and last option? This is because, when we have unexplained infertility, we can work on finding the root of the problem if it is not physical and try naturally.
If IVF or IUI is our last option, before jumping into it, Monica makes us regard what the needs for our journey; and then if we are in your x number cycles, we should regard what we can learn to prepare for the next one.
Monica says that some tools and resources that can set an aptitude of happiness and joy while walking a difficult path, are the tools that we have by default.
The first one is love, which is something that we are born with, but unfortunately, as we grow as children, toddlers, adults, and so on, we create fears and walls in our world in our human personal lives. These come from the outside things that happen in life, in general, but we have love within. One of the things that can help us to remind us that we are love made with love, and within we are love, and love is about ourselves and others. It is looking within.
If you are now, for instance, in your third or fourth cycle, and you are stressed out because the other cycles didn’t work or maybe one worked and then you had a cancelled cycle. Monica shares how frustrated she felt, after her first cycle. How it is frustrating to cope with the first step. After going through so many years of struggles, she suggests, after applying for it by herself, looking within because, if we want to be parents, if we want to have that baby, and we are so prepared with so much love to offer to that baby, we need to first nourish and take care of ourselves. She clarifies that self-love is not related to ego or an egoist kind of conception. Monica emphasizes we need to take care of ourselves. We need to love ourselves because, in that same way, we are going to be capable of loving others, and by doing that, we are already opening the door to increase the possibilities of that outcome of having the baby, even if we are in our third or fourth cycle.
She continues by addressing understanding. She says understanding is about accepting. When we accept certain situations in life, we are kind of creating a door of many possible outcomes that are going to bring us possibilities of happiness and joy. Monica explains that IVF, art and even trying to conceive naturally is by itself stressful. We know that it’s not easy. It is especially while we are going through infertility that everyone around us is pregnant. Pregnancies are all over us and we are the only ones that cannot get pregnant because of the struggle we are going through. But these cases happen to us because we are on this journey, not because it happens a lot. So, trying to conceive is not an easy journey by itself.
Understanding and accepting that we are entering something that is not going to be easy, is going to allow us to take control of that situation. Not controlling the situation but taking control of it. She explains we cannot control the outcome of fertility treatment, as well as we cannot control the outcome of trying to conceive naturally. We can’t control that, but what we can control is the way we take the situation. Understanding that is not easy. Accepting that we are entering a path that is going to be full of bumps is going to help us create tools to handle it.
According to Monica’s words, nourishment goes back to self-love. She says we need to remind ourselves that we are loved beings, that we are here in this world with a purpose which we might not know or we might have an idea or we might have a goal for it, but life happens. By nourishing ourselves, every time we have a difficulty in life, and in this case fertility, we need to remember it’s nothing wrong with us. Here Monica shares with us how she reminded herself about this after finding out her only way to conceive children was through ivf. She mentioned she felt devastated and alone. Then, she says we feel all these things because we are thinking we are supposed to get pregnant naturally. After all, that’s how our bodies are built.
However, nothing is wrong with us. Our body is such a perfect thing that even infertility is a manifestation of something we are not balancing. We need to nourish ourselves, for example, planning a date, planning something to distract us from that obsession with the baby, having a little time for ourselves, go for a massage.
If we got a cancelled cycle, Monica says it’s very good to feel the feelings, to allow them to be felt and not be put aside because that’s toxic positivity. If we need to scream, curse, write, or cry, we should do so because, in that way, we are letting go of those feelings, nourishing ourselves, so that then we feel able to have space for good things.
Moreover, reminding is when we are so overwhelmed with something and, in this case with infertility, we have the tendency to just get so much into that overwhelming feeling that we forget that there are also good things happening in our lives. Monica shares a habit a friend of hers told her, which consists of having 15 or 20 minutes for allowing our bad feelings to be felt. If we need to cry or write we do so. When the 20 minutes finish, we should remind ourselves that we need to allow our feelings and be aware that this is not easy, but we need to move on and continue with our lives. This habit will help our body to be open to receive.
When we go to a transfer or our retrieval, if we practice this, which may seem simple, it’s going to be so helpful. Our body is going to relax much more. In the nourishment part, for example acupuncture, art therapy, can take our minds and shift it for a moment.
Monica then continues by introducing us to Clarity. It is when we feel better when we have clarity, which helps us to think better, and to focus on the idea that we want a baby. All of this is possible after letting go of our bad feelings and emotions. We have clarity to put overwhelming feelings regarding the ivf process in order. We wonder what our choice is, we either suffer forever or we take it knowing it’s difficult, but let ourselves continue walking this path to see where it’s taking us.
Then, relief, under Monica’s words, is something incredible that happens when we allow our feelings to be felt, especially the frustrating ones. She puts herself as an example when she felt anxious and could express herself, and when she felt frustrated and couldn’t say any word. In her case, she had her partner by her side, who encouraged her to cry whenever she couldn’t find the exact words to express her feelings. Monica emphasizes the importance of having someone there to hug us, not to tell us anything, just to listen or to just be there for us when we cry, and that helps us relieve.
All these ideas together will allow us to let go. Ranting. We let go. We are clean, and let’s see what we can do to make our journey a little bit easier, not perfect, but easier.
Monica says this webinar is based on her own struggle with infertility. She went through five cycles to be able to conceive and has two girls today. Also, she acknowledges that there are more fertility experts in our world that can help us with a different vision. For Monica, collaboration is better than competition. Her focus is to help people walk through this in the best possible way.
How do we train our minds? It goes in baby steps, she explains. It’s all in our hands because we have the power of choosing and we cannot control any outside situation to make something happen the way that we want. This is the case of our fertility treatments that comes from outside, from science, from our doctors, and they are doing everything possible to increase our possibilities, but it’s not a warranty.
What we can do is acknowledge this is not an easy process, but we choose to walk the path in the best way possible. Why do we need to take a positive approach during an IVF or ART cycle?
This is either black or white.
Monica says we have two options. She addresses a webinar she attended with Dr Bruce Lipton, who is a leader in epigenetics, and says this is because pain is something that happens in the world. In our fertility journey, the outcome could be that we get pregnant, you know we have a positive result, but then, in the next step something happens and we have a miscarriage, or we have a stillbirth as in her case, and we don’t get to the outcome which is having a baby. What we need to do if this is something that happens, we need to go through the grieving process. She says grieving is very important when we have a miscarriage a stillbirth or any kind of loss. She comments she made the mistake, after my stillbirth, of having another ivf a month and a half after. To this, she refers to the most terrible mistake she could have made because she didn’t allow herself to grieve. However, we also learn from our mistakes. Grieving is very important because a loss is a loss no matter how far or how early it happens, and then from there we can make decisions.
When we practice this during our journey, we are becoming better individuals, in the sense of nourishing ourselves, and we are opening more doors to get to that positive outcome.
Moving backwards, Monica reintroduces us to the tools. She reassures us that even though each of us has a different journey, what we have in common is the fact that we are coping with infertility. She mentions having friends who have gone through 16 cycles and, eventually, have a baby after those 16 cycles. Also, clients of hers that, after going through five cycles, realize that that’s it.
The ultimate goal of copying with infertility is that, whatever decision you’re going to make, if you are in multiple cycles or counselling and miscarriages and loss, is that you’re going to come to a point where, whatever decision you’re going to make either if it’s continuing until you have your baby or either if it is that’s it I don’t mind, you’re going to feel in peace with yourself. This is because, when we make decisions in life that do not give us that kind of ease, is because we are not finishing with that. One of the things Monica tells couples and women when they are going through infertility or treatment is to always make sure that if you say, for example, I’m so close to throwing the towel or I am exhausted, but you still have the hope somehow in the back of your mind you know there is still something to fight, and even with all the stress and emotions, let’s see what we can do to get to your baby.
Monica advises us that acceptance is very important. Talking with someone who has gone through the same as us is the best because they can relate to us, and in the end, we can help them get out of that path with our tools. She concludes by saying it’s not easy to train our minds, to take action upon things that are going to happen through the cycle, through our infertility journey. But the best thing to do is control our actions and accept that we can’t control the outcome of things that happen, but we can control the way we take the situation that is happening.
She then reminds us suffering exists. That is a choice. Pain also exists. We need to have that in mind. When someone loses a husband or a wife, we become the widower; when we lose our parents, we become orphans. When we lose a child, it is called a miscarriage. We bear a loss in the journey of motherhood that doesn’t have a name. There is no name to describe that pain. The choices we have are: we either get stuck into that suffering and just go into the dark to a point that there is nothing we can do, or we are in the dark, but we see there is a still light up and we cannot go down anymore because we are already in the bottom of the darkness. We have a choice stay there and lose everything that we have built in our lives or look up and climb because we don’t have another choice, but there are no middle points here. This is what Monica experienced. She now sees herself as an example for people suffering from the same situation. She sees herself as an example to understand that we can get out of it and have our baby, and we can also try to train ourselves in the best way possible our mind and see our lives as normal, and include this part in our lives as another task that it has brought to us for some reason and some cause.
First of all, it’s very normal to feel like that because again from the beginning when I said you are not entering an easy path. It’s so difficult because we feel alone. I was there where you are. Everything is going against us, of course, trust me. I’m going to be again clear and realistic, you are going to probably see more pregnant women and the closest to you is going to invite you to baby showers to everything. So, what you can do again is in your hands, is your choice because I can be the best coach in the world, and I’m going to give you all the tools, but in the end, you’re the one who is going to choose if you want to use them or not. But you need to see it and allow it. Like I said, sit and give that 20 or 15 minutes to these thoughts. You feel helpless. You feel alone. Cry them out. Try them out. Have someone, family, your partner, and be honest. I used to say that to my husband sometimes, look I want to sit and talk to you because I feel like crap, I’m sorry about my word, but that’s what it is, Can you please just sit and listen to what I’m feeling? I don’t want any advice, I just want to take it out. So, listen, if you want I have my Instagram, I am always open to listening and hearing people. You can send me a message or an email, and I’ll just be there for you to listen.
But, you see, you feel that you are losing a battle, and everything is going against you, but you don’t feel defeated. You are not mentioning here that you feel defeated, and you want to quit. Going back to what I said before, you still have some light there. So, you know, shine that light. Take that light into your hands. You are the only one that can control your life and your actions. Go ahead. There is no defeated word here, so hope is there. Find a way. Sit for five minutes. Look at yourself in the mirror and say I’m perfect and beautiful, and no matter what is happening in my life now, I am alive, and as long as you are alive and healthy, you can go through this and fight for it. But, again, without forgetting about yourself, without forgetting about the people who love you, and without forgetting that you have life around you because when it becomes an obsession, helplessness and bad thoughts take over us. Don’t let that happen.
Yes. I love that one, yes, and it’s what you say, before going to the question, life gets so much into us that if you analyse the world and look at the world, we are becoming robots. It’s all automatic. It’s like we forget that we are humans, that we feel, that stop for a second to breathe the air, look at a tree, admire colours. We forget it because life makes us so busy, and we are only working on the basic things, which is okay, it’s important. If not, we will not be able to eat. But take a little break in the mornings before you wake up and put your feet on the ground, sit for 3 minutes, and just start a day saying today is going to be a good day, even if something comes up that is going to drive me crazy, I will find a way. I always do that in the morning. It’s difficult because saying it is easy is OK, but taking action upon it, is difficult.
A partner should be involved in it, completely. Let’s take it in two ways: if it is a single woman who wants to be a different single mom; but if you are working with your partner and, no matter if it is a lady, guy or heterosexual couple, they have to be involved. Now, dealing with that stress, each person deals differently. Men are more rational, and women are more emotional, so right there you’re going to have clashes, but somehow you need to find a point where you can meet in the middle. So, if you are the part that has the highest strength, let’s say with testosterone, you are more rational, and if you have the estrogen part of it, you are emotional. Talking and communicating are the keys to that. I know that communicating with someone is not easy, especially if it is our partner, because sometimes we kind of hurt the ones that we love the most. So, when you have that in mind when you know that we are humans that tend to take care of our stress and our anxiety and the people that we love the most, then we are being aware that we need to create tools to communicate in a better way.
I am very sarcastic, for example. I am working on that because it’s not easy to change it. So look at, when you have communication with your partner, what is triggering him or her, and also the opposite, and find like a middle point where you can express it because one thing I can tell you, the fact that we are women in an IVF cycle, we are the ones that kind of deal with the most of it. Men also have a male factor because they don’t express emotions they feel weak if they express their emotions because of the way that the world has educated them. This has nothing to do with what country you are in. Men are like that in general. So, try to express to your partner that it’s okay to be vulnerable and that it’s okay to express what he’s feeling because you are both on this journey. That’s basically what I can suggest to you, from my own experience, too.
Yes. That’s one of the things that also can be an outcome from going into a fertility treatment. One of the two can start to lose hope and interest. I will tell you that, firstly, you need to come directly to him and tell him that you are feeling that. Right there. Just express to him that you are feeling that and ask if that feeling that you are feeling is right or not because you might be feeling something that he is not feeling at all, but he is going through something, or he is feeling the cycle differently. Again, going back to the answer to the last question, men and women are different. Men are more rational. Women are more emotional. So, when that man doesn’t connect too much their feelings with what is happening, it’s not because they don’t feel it, it’s because just that’s the way it is. So, try to reach out in a conversation where you can also connect with him in that rational way. You can do it directly.
You’re going to ask him “Hey, I noticed that you are losing hope and interest, is there anything true about that? I want to continue trying, but if you are feeling any kind of blockage, we can look into it and see how we can solve it. Then, based on the answer that he’s going to give, you’re going to have the answer for sure. I’m sure he’s going to tell you the truth. He’s going to tell you, yes, I’m losing hope and interest and I don’t want to do another cycle. In that case, if that is the answer that you receive, I will say that maybe a couple of therapies will be a good addition to the development of your cycle because then you are in different places, and you don’t want to lose your marriage or your relationship. That’s basically what I can suggest.
I used to think for example that meditation was something that didn’t work, but yes, definitely yes. There are a lot of coaches and even doctors who are suggesting that meditation is a tool that can help to cure physical illnesses. So, I think it is a good tool, and you don’t need to do it in a way like meditation courses or whatever. I don’t believe that. I think that meditation is something that you can do yourself. You can just sit outside breathing for five minutes and just let your mind go with whatever is happening and take a break and breathe. That can help you. So, it doesn’t need to be in a specific way. It needs to be done in your own way and, making sure that it is done in your own way, is helping you. If you feel any kind of disconnection, any kind of distraction, it doesn’t matter. I heard that a long time ago from someone who was teaching meditation classes, that’s what it is, you’re supposed to quiet your mind, but if your mind is not quiet, it doesn’t matter.
One day it’s going to be quiet so take the time to do it, in your own way, and it could be just a breath of fresh air and sitting outside just observing something. You don’t need even to close your eyes. Just feel yourself alone and in a kind of no gravity in your own time. So, yes. Meditation can help with that because it can help you to achieve those thoughts for a moment. But again, don’t pile the negative emotions. It’s very important that if you need to cry to talk or to take it out, it must be done wonderfully.
As I said in the beginning, we feel that we are broken or something is wrong with us or that we were born defective. There is nothing wrong. There are even a lot of women and men in their mid-20s, and early 30s, like I was telling you in the beginning, that they are having fertility issues, and it has to do with lifestyle too. What we eat or what we drink. All of that. So, it’s never too late and one thing I wanted to mention before, also, in my personal opinion, age is something that, yes can be an issue, but if we are taking care of ourselves in the way that we live life, and have a healthy lifestyle, then you are still with that door to conceive. It’s open for you, so don’t give up on that.
