In this session, Andreia Trigo, a multi-awarded nurse consultant, author, TEDx speaker, and Founder of the Enhanced Fertility Programme has been talking about 6 steps that will help you build resilience and confidence for your IVF success.
Andreia Trigo, an experienced fertility nurse consultant, researcher, lecturer, TEDx Talk speaker, Neurolinguistic Programming Coach, and founder of the Enhanced Fertility Programme. Andreia, diagnosed with infertility at 17, shares insights on building resilience and confidence during fertility treatments, particularly after a failed cycle. Discover her six-step approach and gain practical guidance for navigating this challenging journey.
Resilience and confidence, what is it? Resilience and confidence are interconnected qualities that play significant roles in our lives, shaping how we approach challenges and uncertainties. At their core, resilience, and confidence involve having faith in oneself and believing in favourable outcomes despite obstacles or setbacks.
Our upbringing significantly influences our levels of confidence and resilience. How our parents, teachers, and other influential figures have instilled beliefs about our capabilities can shape our self-perception. Were we taught to see ourselves as strong and capable of overcoming hurdles, or were we encouraged to give up easily at the first sign of difficulty? While upbringing plays a crucial role, it’s important to note that it isn’t determinative. Even if our early experiences hindered our confidence, we have the power to reshape our beliefs and confidence through intentional efforts.
Another factor that impacts our confidence is our experiences. For instance, if someone has faced multiple unsuccessful attempts at achieving a goal, such as conceiving a child or undergoing fertility treatments, they may start to doubt their abilities and lose confidence in positive outcomes. However, it’s essential to recognize that confidence can fluctuate naturally. Some days, we may feel incredibly confident and capable, while other days, doubts and insecurities may surface.
Our state of mind plays a crucial role in shaping our confidence levels. The beliefs and thoughts we hold about ourselves and our circumstances influence our confidence and resilience. For example, when faced with unsuccessful treatment outcomes, we might feel disheartened and lose faith in future possibilities. This interconnectedness between our thoughts, beliefs, and confidence underscores the importance of maintaining a positive and hopeful outlook, even in the face of challenges. It’s normal to experience fluctuations in confidence levels, and these fluctuations don’t diminish our overall resilience. Acknowledging and understanding these dynamics can empower us to work on building and sustaining our confidence, regardless of experiences or current setbacks.
Andreia explains that understanding that our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions are interconnected is essential for maintaining confidence, faith, hope, and a positive outlook after a failed IVF treatment. When treatment does not yield the desired outcome, it can lead to feelings of helplessness or doubt about the effectiveness of further attempts or other areas of life. The question then arises: How can we cultivate a state of gratitude, love, and joy after treatment? This state not only brings us emotional fulfilment but also provides the confidence needed to pursue further treatment or life beyond infertility. As humans, we can experience a wide range of emotions.
Following Andreia’s reference to the Disney-Pixar movie with the 4 emotions living in the little girl’s head, she explains:
As humans, we have this ability to feel a range of emotions …, emotions that end up dictating our experience of life. However, we can control our emotions so they don’t get in control of us.
Learning to manage and control our emotions is a skill that can be developed, regardless of experiences or upbringing. This skill is crucial as it empowers us to build confidence, hope, and faith in our ability to achieve desired outcomes. It’s important to recognize that confidence is not something we are inherently born with, but rather something we create within ourselves.
The 6 steps that will be discussed later are designed to help us access and build confidence. Whether it’s starting a new year, a new job, or embarking on further treatment, following these steps can significantly enhance our confidence levels in any of these processes.
In summary, learning to be confident is crucial for every aspect of life, especially during challenging times when we may contemplate giving up. Making decisions with a balanced emotional and rational mindset is key to achieving our goals and aspirations.
The first step in our journey towards building confidence is understanding our purpose. This step holds immense significance because it helps us delve into the core reasons behind our desire to feel more confident. When there’s clarity about our purpose, and our “why,” it becomes much easier to navigate the subsequent steps with focus and determination.
Why do you want to feel more confident? Is it because you seek openness to the treatment process, or perhaps you aim to enhance your overall self-esteem and well-being? Maybe you desire confidence to nurture healthy relationships, or you recognize the potential it holds for unlocking new opportunities in your professional life. Confidence can manifest its benefits across various aspects of our lives, but understanding our unique motivations is key.
Andreia invites us to consider this: What does your life look like when you’re filled with confidence and hope? How does it feel to be in a state of absolute certainty that things will work out? Reflecting on these questions helps us envision the positive changes that confidence can bring. It also sheds light on how our behaviours and actions differ when we are confident compared to when we feel doubtful or hopeless.
This exercise invites you to take a moment with a pen and paper, jotting down your purpose and the vision you have for yourself when you’re confident and hopeful. It provides valuable insights and serves as a guiding light as we delve deeper into the journey of building confidence.
Going to the second step of this journey, once the importance of confidence is clear to us, the focus shifts to changing our outlook, this lens through which we perceive circumstances that play a crucial role in shaping our feelings.
If we are currently lacking confidence, it may be due to the lenses we are using to interpret the situation. For instance, if we are constantly thinking that treatment won’t succeed, or that negative outcomes are inevitable, it triggers feelings of self-doubt. These beliefs become our experience of life.
To address this, it’s crucial to be mindful of the questions we ask ourselves and the beliefs ingrained in our minds. What are we self-doubting? What are the reasons behind these doubts? Identifying the underlying beliefs behind our thoughts is the first step in shifting our thought patterns. This process, known as thought modification, involves teaching our brain to consider all evidence, not just reasons why something might not work. For example, consider factors like better embryo quality, an ideal uterine lining, or improvements in lifestyle that could contribute to success. Changing our outlook involves noticing positive aspects, not just about ourselves, but also about the process. By focusing on these positives, we begin to plant the seeds of confidence. It all starts with changing our outlook, and it is entirely possible with conscious effort and practice.
Step three involves recognizing and celebrating personal achievements. This step encourages us to shift our focus from the perceived failure of IVF to our accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem.
The step begins by prompting you to notice that their perspective on the situation may have changed since the IVF treatment. It encourages us to reflect on the achievements we have made thus far, which may have been overlooked or not celebrated enough. Andreia emphasizes that achieving something, whether it’s a small or significant milestone, can bring temporary happiness. However, she questions whether that happiness persists over time and whether we still remember and value those achievements after weeks or months.
Andreia then proposes to take pride in our achievements, such as gaining knowledge about our body, becoming stronger through experience, or making positive changes to our health and lifestyle. She highlights the importance of celebrating both small and big accomplishments as a way to boost self-confidence.
Verbalizing self-congratulations is a tool to improve self-talk and reinforce positive self-perception. Andreia puts as an example that acknowledging oneself for preparing a delicious cup of coffee or maintaining a healthy diet can help build confidence and change one’s outlook on life.
In summary, step three encourages us to recognize and celebrate our achievements, no matter how small, as a means of building resilience and confidence after experiencing a setback like a failed IVF treatment. This practice can help shift the focus from perceived failures to personal growth and accomplishments.
Step four of building resilience and confidence involves harnessing the power of body language. In this step, Andreia highlights the correlation between confidence and body posture, encouraging us to adopt confident body language even if we don’t feel completely confident internally.
She notes the observable differences in body language between a confident person and someone lacking confidence, pointing out that confident individuals often stand tall with their shoulders back, speak clearly and assertively, and exude self-belief in their words. The goal of this step is to practice and adopt this confident body language, regardless of one’s current level of confidence.
Andreia encourages us to recall a time in our lives when we felt confident, even if it was unrelated to fertility. By remembering how our body was positioned during that confident moment, we can practice replicating that posture now.
She highlights a noteworthy research finding indicating that adopting a “power pose” for merely two minutes can substantially enhance mood and confidence levels.
She underscores the importance of integrating body language with thoughts and beliefs, explaining that by consciously adjusting body language to appear confident, we align our thoughts and actions toward achieving our goals. Whether the goal is scheduling a consultation, making a decision about treatment options, or focusing on nutrition, we are urged to affirm our capability to achieve these goals and embody that confidence until it becomes more natural.
This step encourages us to use body language as a tool, by practicing confident posture and adopting a positive mindset, we can align our thoughts and actions towards achieving our goals.
Step five in this process focuses on shifting our mindset from viewing past cycles as failures to embracing them as valuable learning experiences. Andreia emphasizes the negative impact of labelling cycles as “failed” and encourages us to see them as opportunities for growth and understanding.
Undergoing multiple cycles of fertility treatment comes with an emotional weight, and terms like “failed cycle” can compound feelings of inadequacy and disappointment. However, we need to change this perception, highlighting the diagnostic aspect of fertility treatments. These cycles not only serve as treatment but also provide valuable insights into how an individual’s body responds to treatment.
Andreia emphasizes the importance of reframing past cycles as part of a learning process. Instead of focusing solely on the outcome, we need to reflect on what we have learned from each cycle. This shift in perspective allows for a more positive outlook, where challenges are seen as opportunities for growth and progress.
Furthermore, the role of confidence in this process stems from within and is essential for manifesting positive outcomes in life. It’s about believing in ourselves and having the resilience to pick ourselves up after setbacks, quoting Andreia:
It means that if we do fail we can pick ourselves up again, and try again and not give up completely.
Confidence is a key aspect even when there may come a time when we no longer wish to continue trying for a baby. In such cases, confidence can be directed towards embracing a happy and fulfilling life regardless of the outcome.
Overall, step five encourages us to nurture a growth mindset, trust in the learning process, and cultivate confidence from within. By viewing challenges as opportunities and maintaining belief in ourselves, we can navigate the emotional complexities of fertility treatments with resilience and confidence.
Step six, the final step in building resilience and confidence after a failed IVF treatment, focuses on cultivating realistic thinking rather than solely relying on positive thinking. Andreia acknowledges the challenges of maintaining a positive outlook when facing difficult situations, such as unsuccessful fertility treatments. So she encourages us to adopt a balanced perspective that acknowledges both positive and negative aspects of our experiences.
Rather than ignoring past experiences or dismissing negative outcomes, we need to reflect on them, by realistic thinking, as part of our journey. This involves acknowledging all the cycles, medications, and attempts that haven’t worked, but also recognizing the things that did go well and the efforts being made for future treatments.
One exercise suggested is to list down reasons why treatment may not work alongside reasons why it may work. This approach allows us to see both sides of the equation, providing a more balanced and realistic view. By examining all the evidence and creating a visual representation, such as a table, we can gain a clearer understanding of our situation and feel more confident in our decisions.
Furthermore, Andreia urges us to notice and appreciate the positive aspects of our lives, such as moments of joy, love, and connection with ourselves or others. This practice helps in maintaining a balanced perspective and reinforces the idea that life is a combination of ups and downs. This sixth step embraces realistic thinking by acknowledging both the challenges and successes of our fertility journey, understanding the full picture, and appreciating the positive aspects of life.
One effective strategy to adopt is the “one to six” method for retraining the brain. This approach is beneficial regardless of past treatments, life circumstances, or upbringing. By consistently following these six steps, it’s possible to build confidence and resilience. Embracing a growth mindset is crucial, understanding that past experiences are part of the journey toward achieving desired goals. Life is perceived as happening for a purpose, guiding one towards necessary destinations.
Here Andreia invites us to consider the words of Helen Keller, the first deaf and blind person to earn a BA degree in the US. Despite the immense challenges she faced, she famously said:
Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.
Her life exemplifies that with optimism and confidence, any goal can be achieved. Andreia then finishes with this message:
Follow the six steps, build confidence, and have absolute certainty within you of what you want to achieve, and that will lead to your achievement.
Andreia Trigo has developed an Enhanced Fertility Program designed to provide comprehensive support and education for individuals on their fertility journey. As part of this initiative, she has introduced several valuable tools available through the “In-House Fertility Program” app, which can be downloaded for free.
The app offers a wealth of resources to help users understand various aspects of their health, lifestyle, and emotions, as well as providing different forms of support. Key features include:
Andreia invites us to download the app and take advantage of these free resources. Her mission is to ensure that we have access to the necessary treatments and support at the right time. This initiative is her gift to the community, inspired by her journey with infertility, and aims to provide meaningful assistance to those in need.
So many times, other people who don’t understand they haven’t been through it, they aren’t the best people to give us advice especially, unsolicited advice, but people will say these things, so we sort of need to learn how to respond to these people. Confidence comes from within, so we know what the facts are. We know that it might be true that egg quality starts reducing after a certain age, that is a fact, but we also know that there is a certain percentage that it might still be possible to have to have a baby with your own eggs or maybe to have a baby with donor eggs. I would invite you to develop this realistic thinking, to notice that it might be true, all of those things that people are saying, but maybe their brain is not telling them that other part that all the reasons why it might work. I think it’s hard to even for ourselves, and it might be even harder for other people to come up with that. I usually think that other people’s comments come out of a place of love and wanting to help even when they’re not helpful at all, and they are very upsetting, but most people do want to help. I want us to take charge of our confidence, and even though they might say okay, it’s hard to get pregnant at your age why don’t you just enjoy life without children, it’s not that easy, but we need to find a way of having confidence that is absolute in what I want, absolute confidence, absolute certainty in what I want to achieve in life.
There are indeed some challenges, but there are also some possibilities as well, and as long as I’m aware of that, as long as I have realistic thinking, I have absolute certainty in what I want to achieve. I know it can be hard, but if you do those six steps, and I’m not going to say that you’re not going to get upset by what people say, we all do get upset from time to time, it never goes away, but it’s like a muscle that we train, so we build our self-confidence, our absolute certainty in what we want to get out of life. So, when they do say those things, we almost have a shield that protects us, and that is our confidence.
It’s almost like you’re split in two. You want something, but your brain is giving you this self-doubt, so I would say that you need to look at all the reasons that maybe you have now that say that it’s going to work. We know that if you are in your mid-40s, it’s true that the egg quality is not as good, but other people have gotten pregnant in their mid-40s, maybe you need to consider egg donation if that’s something that you are willing to consider, but it is a possibility. I usually say that when women are older, they also have more experience to look after a child now as opposed to someone who had a child when they were very young, so try to look at things from that different outlook. It was that step number two, find a different outlook. All of those self-doubts we need to manage them. We need to find ways to fight against them. If you think about, for example, your friend that is telling you those things about herself saying: maybe I’m too old.
What would you say to your friend if your friend was having those self-doubts about herself, so try and think about all the good things about maybe having a child at this age, all the things that might actually work, and I think when we start deconstructing the self-doubt, then we’re halfway to building the confidence that we need to believe that it might be going to happen.
I think so many people have found themselves in that circumstance because they’re having treatment abroad. There are so many people having treatment abroad that it has become a bit difficult with the coronavirus travel restrictions. I think we need to consider the things that we are worried about that are under our control and the things that are outside our control.
If we’re thinking about the travel restrictions that are outside our control, so I would call that unhelpful worries, that’s a worry that no solution to it is within our means. We need to sort of help to let it go, and we need to start focusing on things that are within our control. I would maybe shift focus to the things that you could do during this waiting time that could help you get ready for when that time happens that you can have fertility treatment again. It might be that you can do things to help your body physically and emotionally, it might be that you want to take this time to have a break and maybe focus on a certain hobby. Try and focus on things that you can indeed do instead of things that you can’t do. I do see a comment here about the worry tree, it’s an amazing tool, we have that tool in our app as well. Think about if it something we can do about it or not.
The two-week wait is one of the most challenging times of fertility treatment, and we need to start thinking about all the things that might shake your confidence or your ability to remain calm or resilient. You might be thinking about all the what-ifs that might happen, what if this doesn’t work, which I think is one of the most common fears. One of the useful strategies that we found ways is to do things during the two-week wait that nurture your body, physically and emotionally. To do things that maybe you hadn’t done in a while, to look after yourself, to maybe watch a movie, to eat healthily, to do things that bring you joy and happiness. Secondly, it’s almost impossible not to think about all the what-ifs. It’s good to schedule a time in the day when you do think about all the things or maybe when you go on Instagram or the fertility forums, and you just vent about this, and you speak with other people who do understand.
So trying to find a balance between I’m allowing myself the time to worry, but I’m also keeping myself busy with things that allow me to enjoy this period. I would say the third tip would be a mindfulness recording. We have a very good mindfulness recording in the app, which is all about remaining confident during the two-week wait, so do go there and check it. You can listen to it maybe every morning or whenever you’re feeling a bit more stressed or when you can’t shake off the worry during the two-week wait.
